


Eternity to Grieve

by Delenn (goddessdel)



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Angst, Ares POV, Canonical Character Death, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Episode: s06e22 A Friend In Need Part 2, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Post-A Friend In Need, Post-FINII, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 09:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goddessdel/pseuds/Delenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of unconnected drabbles exploring how Xena's death in Jappa might affect Ares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eternity to Grieve

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters you recognize from ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ and/or ‘Hercules: the Legendary Journeys’ don’t belong to me, they belong to whoever owns/wrote/created them. No copyright infringement intended, okay? I’m just borrowing them! The story belongs to me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ares POV so far post-series that it might as well be modern times. There is no timetable for loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Date Started/Finished: April 5th, 2004

It didn’t bother him so much anymore, not like before. In the beginning it had consumed him, her face had been everywhere.

The advantages of immortality, given enough time even the most heartbreaking pain will lesson and numb eventually. Those first few decades had been the hardest he can ever remember.

For a bit he occupied himself with resurrection plans and threats, but she was out of his realm and the clout of the Olympians was fast fading. He was the only one really left. He hadn’t minded until she was gone.

He wondered why she’d gone off to a country where he couldn’t help her. If she’d called for him and he hadn’t been able to hear, if she’d thought of him and he’d never know.

Now it stayed tucked away in the back of his mind, a thorn, buried with a dull but still throbbing ache.

Of course, like any other battle wound, enough poking and prodding and it’ll come roaring back, just as painful as the first time around. There have been people, places that have reminded him throughout the millennium of her and each time it brings the memories flooding back to him.

One of those never-ending rivers of grief that makes him want to scream and cry and kill things.

Anything.

Anything to have her back in his arms.


	2. Xylographs of a Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redemption is a load of lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written: 10/19/05 - 6/20/06
> 
> One of several fics I wrote dealing with Ares' feelings following Xena's death in Jappa.

Every passing year, I think she’s more right, as if there ever was any doubt of her being right about everything. She got what she thought she deserved, and I get what I deserve, watching her, year after year. Knowing that I was right on the one point that I didn’t want to be. Redemption is a load of lies.

Doesn’t matter who she saved, only who she killed. The fact is that the scales don’t balance out down here only because she believes that they don’t.

Instead, I get to wait for her to recognize her own atonement and give up on a quest that is long dead. I know that she always enjoyed quests, enjoyed the challenge, but dying for one? It seems a bit excessive.

Of course, I remember her being a bit obsessive. Stubborn. But not to the point where all I'd have were memories of her obsessive stubbornness - she was too brilliant for a little thing like death to keep her down.

I guess the third time proved one too many, even for her.

Even though it didn't have to be one too many. She didn't even need to die. It wasn't her battle. But then, that's Xena, always off fighting battles that were never her own. Especially once she stopped letting me give her battles. They were never her own after that.

But I digress. And so does she, to death even. To out of character extremes of action that she absolutely will not relent in.

I should know. I've spent countless moons trying to convince her to give up on the scales that never matter, give up on a redemption they won't let her deserve. All I get is a shadow of her, an imprint of her former smile and anger. A calm conviction that she's doing what she has to, even if it's not what she deserves.

Never what she deserves. I could never give her what she deserved. She would never let me.

She deserved to beat the world into her own spectacular image, into whatever she chose, rather than letting the world - letting death - beat her.

The most important battle, for her life, and she let others win.

My Xena never lost battles, not in the end. Though, I suppose, in the end, she managed the outcome she wanted. Until it doesn't matter who won because it is only her iron will keeping her there - dead - gone.

One word. One word and I'd have it all undone.

But she won't say the word. Won't give in to me and to her rightful place - alive - in the world. And I'm left with pieces, shadows, engravings of her former glory. Of the woman I loved and the spirit that I love.


	3. Zed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A drabble-and-a-half. 150 words. A moment – or maybe a millennium - of response to Xena’s demise in Jappa. Zed as finality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note:Takes place in FINII/post FINII. Using Zed, as the final letter of the alphabet, as a suitable metaphor for death. Inspired only in spirit by the lovely Lorien speech on Babylon 5 about Tick v. Tock, life v. death.
> 
> Dedications: Still the same people it’s always been dedicated to. Especially to Illy, LK, Tali, Tango, Rissy, Kat, and everyone who I still see online, as that’s not many anymore.
> 
> Date Started/Finished: October 27, 2005

There was a moment, a last call, _Ares_ , and then it was silent.

A line, which had constantly been thudding, calling, beating, for so long now, was silent.

The silence echoed bitterly.

Dead. Dead, dead, dead.

His chin tilted upwards, neck tense, waiting for a movement that wasn’t to come.

What was the point?

A last glimpse? A last breath? A last word?

It was too late for all of that. Much too late.

Eons too late.

Too much time missed out on, and now it was silent.

Dead.

Frantically, calmly, he felt for his pulse, breath, blood. There was none, only now that seemed to matter. What made him alive? She wasn’t alive, why should he?

Dead.

Eyes closing, mind shut against the silence. It was so cold, but he couldn’t feel it. Inside. Inside there was nothing.

Numb, dead, Dead - DEAD – silent, silence echoes, and… the end.


	4. Just Rewards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At first, they refused to let me see her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: This is a third POV on Xena’s death and Ares’ reactions, post-FIN, only this one breaks from the original challenge, in that it’s from Ares’ POV, looking back. So, it’s more an inspiration than a challenge reply.
> 
> Date Started/Finished: October 9th, 2005

At first, they refused to let me see her. _They_ refused to let _me_ see _her_. I am finally ready to admit that my response was undignified, if completely justified.

They wouldn’t let me back, even into their domain, for years afterwards. Considering the damage, I’m surprised they didn’t try to have me permanently banned. Not that it would have mattered.

I waited, as I had never been able to before.

And I came back, every day, every year, until they let be back in, cautious despite my various oaths to their safety.

It was almost worse then. After ten years, they said I could look, but not touch. See her without her being able to see me, to _know_ that this time - this time I was waiting for her. Glimpses that weren’t enough even to tell me whether she was happy or not. Whether she was getting what _she_ deserved.

I thought that I was doomed then, melodramatic, I know. I figured that I deserved it, after so many botched chances, to spend an eternity watching her, alone.

Not that I ever gave up. I just made sure to keep the damage to a minimal when they refused to let me see her properly. Grit my teeth when they laughed and said I ‘should have been more specific.’

They had me, and they knew it. So, I waited.

I waited until old guards were replaced with new ones. Until the damage I’d done paled in comparison with the time I’d sat. Until time seemed to right itself out and there were wars and battles to attend to. Life went on. Still.

I came back every year. On. That. Day. I came back.

Unaware, I was subtly plotting their eventually grisly demises, when she was standing there, looking bewildered, her mouth twitching up in a half-smirk to utter my name, as though she couldn’t imagine why I was there.

Admittedly, it wasn’t my finest moment. I struck up, startled, and then sunk towards the ground at the vision of her, so unchanged (except in the one, all important way).

There was so much that I had to ask, that I’d needed to tell her for so long. I refused to waste another chance, when I’d lost so many.

Calmly, she answered my questions, listened to my speeches. Until I asked the most important one, and she looked away. Stared at the intricate room and impassive guards.

Sighed, eyes heavier than I’d ever seen them, telling me that she’d got what she deserved. When I accused her of failing to invite me to her palace, she laughed, looking like she was about to reach for me, but knew it would do no good.

She didn’t laugh when I threatened to tear the place down, again, if she wasn’t happy. Just shook her head slightly and told me that maybe, in another life, our chances would be better.

Each year the memory of her, or my delusion of her, fades a little. So that I can’t help but wonder how long it will take to be enough. Until I can watch her be happy, to get the rest she deserved. Instead of waiting to prove that I get to play even less of a part now that she’s dead, than I did while she was alive.

Until enough centuries pass that I can think about her without feeling that same numb-shock of pain that I did when I first found out. I’ll wait a little longer, still.


End file.
